Adventures Away from the Farm
As we all know, DHI originally stood for Dairy Herdsmen Incorporated? Dairy Helpers Indoors? Dairy testers Handling all of your In-herd needs? Maybe it was Diary of Healthy Industries related to cattle? Dedicated Heifers Included? Dietary Honest Input about milk production? Dealing with 4:00am chores Happily and Ingeniously?
Anyway, with the expansion to several new and versatile fields, it’s important for us all to remember our roots and the truths inexplicably connected to them. Today, I have time only to address one of the many pieces of our past with which it is necessary to remain in touch. Thus, I will make an effort to set forth the facts connected with the tradition of Cow Tipping.
- Cows are not really that big. I mean, even though the average human is around 6 times less massive—like 1,200 lbs to 200 lbs—it is possible to shove her over if you have a running start, the wind is working in your favor, your big brother Bubba is helping, and the tractor is nearby. Besides, she is asleep and cows sometimes suddenly lose balance in their sleep even though they have four hoofs firmly planted on the earth.
- Cows always sleep on their feet. They don’t have to rest their legs like the rest of us. Or their heads. Or their backs. Everything just kind of suspends in the air so people can come and push it over whenever they feel like it. Also, cows don’t seem to like stalls, sheds, or other inventions that farmers make for them; they actually prefer to hang out there in the middle of a field standing up.
- Cows can’t see you. People may be surprised to find out that cows will let you come right up to them without noticing. (When cattle run at rodeos it’s because they’ve been trained to do it). The normal cow is deaf, blind, and doesn’t use her feet or tail for defense. She won’t even turn her head towards you if you approach in a group of ten laughing, crazy teenagers from the city. Warning: don’t wear red because cows are instinctively afraid of this one color.
- At the climax of the fun, when the cow actually falls over, she will defy all the laws of physics and her own physical nature by sticking all four legs out to the vertical and remaining on her side while wildly trying to get up. At this point, the farmer—and the cow—might confuse this experience with the devastating signs of bloat. Thereafter, the cow may not be able to get up and will die! If you are found on the scene of this crime, the farmer may shoot you.
Now that everyone is properly informed, Don’t Holler If you get pooped on.