It’s annual spoof time again at DHI. For those of you who are interested, it’s pretty much the one creative thing I get paid to write each year.
This year, I wrote two. One’s a spoof on the Economic Stimulus Plan (Don’t worry, Dad, the spoof is not actually liberal in nature so it should be readable) and the other is a fun, child-like story that spoofs on the fact that my boss can never find “his” chair that is somehow lower than all others in existence. (It’s broken.) If you have a few minutes, check them out and let me know what you think:
The Parable of the Little Chair
Once upon a time, not so very long ago, there lived a short, happy little man who had a nice short little chair. One day, unbeknownst to the man, a mysterious elf decided to visit his house. The elf, because elves are always this way, wanted to do a little re-arranging of the man’s house.
In the living room, he rolled up the rug and stuck the cat inside it. He changed the man’s television presets; he even pulled all the books off the bookshelf and piled them in a giant mound on the floor.
Next, he moved to the kitchen. He exchanged Pepsis for Cokes, threw out all the black-eyed peas, and even cooked the man’s DHI Thanksgiving turkey!
In the bedroom, he inside-outed the man’s pillow cases, he right-side-outed the dirty socks, and he inside-outside-outed the man’s favorite hat.
But the worst of the elf’s tricks were in the office. He spliced every wire he could find. He plugged the lamp into the fan and the computer’s speakers into the monitor. Then, with a final he-haw, he raised the man’s short little chair! Then he snuck out the back door.
When the man returned home, he saw the huge mess the elf had made. He saved the cat from the rug and tried his best to fix up the living room. He had to skip dinner because he spent so much time straightening out the bedroom and the kitchen. At last, he collapsed in his favorite little chair.
But, to his surprise, his feet couldn’t touch the floor! His chair had been tampered with, assaulted, mutilated! He was so angry that he started jumping up and down. He jumped so hard that he went right through the floor.
Then, sitting dazed and sad on the hard basement floor, the little man took out a pen and wrote on the floor: “You can mess with the little man’s house; you can mess with the little man’s books; you can mess with the little man’s food, but NEVER mess with the little man’s chair!”
Before long, the whole kingdom had heard the story of the little man’s chair. All the noble knights searched for the elf. When he was found, the elf made a formal apology to the little man and helped him lower his chair. And, from that day forward, each little man in the kingdom was given his own special chair—with an alarm system—and everyone lived happily ever after.
Ergonomic Stimulus Plan
Tonight President Crandall’s stimulus plan passed by a majority vote, on both the Wallyball Court and in the programmers-sequestered-on-the-second-floor room. The Ergonomic Stimulus Plan promises to increase the company profit to $12.1 trillion through more efficient production workflow and comfort for employees. This article points out how funds are distributed in this complex stimulus plan.
Aid to the employed*
$40 billion has been allocated to provide employment benefits through your working career, as long as you remain full-time. $2 billion increases food availability in the vending machine by 14 percent. $4 billion aids Mark and Randy in training, and $3 billion is for the temporary welfare of all those involved. 49
Direct cash payments
$14.2 billion goes to yearly Christmas bonuses and retirement benefits.
Infrastructure
$48 billion is set aside for transportation projects, including $27.5 billion for parking lot and sidewalk maintenance, $8.4 billion for carpeting well-worn areas, $8 billion for construction of high-speed moving sidewalks in the basement, (or $1.3 billion for an escalator. We’ll bring it to a vote later.) $6 billion is for one of those cool Culligan® machines with the throw-away, cone-shaped cups, $7.2 billion brings broadband Internet service to under-served areas, and $4.2 billion modernizes NCC even more.
Energy
About $50 billion has been allotted for energy programs, focused chiefly on office comfort. These include $5 billion to adjust the temperature controls in each room, $6.4 billion as a bonus to Dan and Dave for cleaning up each room, $11 billion toward waste reduction (take that as you will), $6 billion for sharing your lunch with other workers, $6.3 billion in clean air grants for those who bring gum or mints to work, and $2 billion for anyone who can still do their work without turning on their computer or using the Web.
Education
$44.5 billion goes as charity to local school districts to supplement our children’s education as future DHI workers. $25.2 billion helps repeal and revise the No Child Left Behind law for students in K-12 and funds special education. $15.6 billion boosts the maximum Pell Grant by $500 at BYU or UVU, and $2 billion goes to Head Start in Provo.
Workplace
$4 billion repairs the old building, and $2 billion redevelops closed and abandoned areas.
Science
$3 billion goes to research and development, as explained on the company Website. $1 billion has also been added for NATA (Never Absent Testers Anonymous) for their untiring efforts.
Homebound security
$2.8 billion is for swipe monitors, including $1 billion for the access cards.
Law enforcement
$4 billion is for grants to VPs for hiring employees and putting up with employees.
*Information in this article has been modified from a report by msnbc: Inside the compromise stimulus plan – Economy in Turmoil – msnbc.com. Updated February. 18, 2009: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/29160311/.